Wednesday, January 31st

Hi everyone. Welcome to another edition of One-Line Wednesday on The Gray Area. The guys warn that they will be a little harder on people who do not do well with this.

7pm: When talking about being harder on listeners, the guys start talking about spanking. When Paxy was little, she did not listen to Brad and hurt herself. He also spanked her a little for not heeding his warning. T was not all that happy about that.

When Chris' dog was a puppy, she did something really bad. So, Chris spanked her a few times, infuriating Ace. She was angry with Chris for four days for this.

The guys start talking about road trips. Chris once bought a boat of a car for $300. It had bald snow tires, with no treads but only the studs. He somehow drove this packed vehicle from Jackson Hole, Wyoming to New Rochelle, New York. Brad starts saying that he thinks road trips suck. I disagree, there are always parts that suck, but I have had a great time on mine.

Usually, Chris and Brad disagree on killing animals. Brad will hunt and fish, Chris does not like killing animals at all. Where the unite is bugs. Today, Chris saw an exterminator van, labeled "pest exclusion." Do they snub the bugs?

The reason this comes up, is because of a centipede video we saw online. I swear, this evil bastard kills a mouse. Ugh, that is so absolutely disgusting.

This reminds Chris of a time when they were in Hawaii. They are in bed, and Ace is topless. She nudges the asleep Chris, and he sees a blue and yellow centipede lying in between her breasts. It is about seven inches long and an inch thick. She had been lying there frozen for about a half an hour before Chris finally wakes up. They scream and leap off the bed. Chris runs into the other room to get a flip-flop, and tries to hit it. It turns to him, raises on its back legs, and hisses at him. After this, it runs into the closet, leaving them to search for it.

Finally, it runs out of the closet, and Ace throws a towel over it. But now, she does not want to kill it, she wants to keep it, so she puts it in a jar. Chris is unhappy about this, goes into work, and talks about it to his co-worker, Michael. This man tells him that they always come in pairs. They never saw it, but for the four months he lived there, he was terrified of the other centipede showing up. EWWWW.

OK, it is time for the first round of One Line Wednesday for the night. This means, I will get my ass kicked on the phones for about 20 minutes. The callers do pretty poorly this hour, and we throw them all into the Pit of Mediocrity.

8pm: Senator Joe Biden from Delaware has screwed up yet again. He is running for President, and said some stupid things about Barack Obama. "I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy," Biden said. "I mean, that's a storybook, man."

The guys take this story to an interesting topic. Are you afraid to see Barack Obama as president, because there will probably be a lot of assassination attempts? Sadly, I think if Obama wins, this will be the case.

Personally, I think that no matter when this happens, assassination will always be an issue. But, if we let this fear control the way we vote, then no black person will ever be president. Yes, Obama will have added danger, but the historic step must happen at some point. Sooner hopefully, rather than later.

We receive a lot of calls on this issue. Some think the discussion is ridiculous; some think that it should not affect the votes; and some think this country will not elect a black man or a woman. This also leads to a discussion of how the attitudes in this area, are far different than those in the South and Midwest.

It comes up that it is self-defeating if someone is elected because they are black or female. That the attention should not be on his race, but on his experience and his issues.

9pm: Brad is quitting smoking as of this evening. He is wearing the patch, meaning he will have some insane, tripped-out dreams tonight. He says it itches a little bit, but is doing ok right now. Brad's wife is quitting with him, which Chris says is crazy.

So, we start talking about the Super Bowl. MSNBC made a list of the Ten Best Super Bowl Ads of All Time. They have some pretty good ones on there, that I had forgotten about. My favorite part of this; however, is that Chris cannot find the clearly marked video player on the site. I have to come in the studio, point it out, and give him a condescending head pat.

The guys were talking about the Bud Bowl, which of course got old after a few years. This leads me to ask about the Puppy Bowl. As I suspected, Chris admits to his embarrassment, that he watches the Puppy Bowl. The thing is, it is so utterly cute, that how can you not.

The guys ask what is the craziest place you have watched the Super Bowl. We get calls from people who have watched in Asia, Bulgaria, Iceland, Spain and Italy. The point that really rings true, is that it is incredibly difficult to explain football to someone who has never watched.

Ok, we are going to try One Line Wednesday again. Hopefully, the callers will do better this time than in the 7pm hour. This time, the calls are much slower, at least at first. I was kind of hoping it would stay this way, but I was incorrect. Once the calls do come in, they are abysmal. Boo, I say, boo to you all.

10pm: Ok, so we all took a breather, and feel a little better. Impressively, Brad has held out, and not come out for even one cigarette this show. Chris comes back bitching about the failure that was. Dan, of course, adds insult to injury, by saying this will follow them, and could endanger their jobs. I say, that the listeners cannot handle the freedom.

Several callers try to keep One Line Wednesday alive. Chris and Brad are weak, and easily swayed by the callers. Where are your spines???

The other day, I had to call the Verizon customer service again. I was upset all night thinking about this call, and put it off as long as possible. Finally, I called, and had the best customer service experience of my life. The guy offered to call me back instead of putting me on hold, and actually did.

Another time, I had to go the Maryland DMV. I was not happy that this had to happen, but dragged myself in. I swear on all that is Holy, I was in and out in 15 minutes, and the woman was friendly and smiling. Incredible.

So, we call this Dread For Naught, those times, where you have been dreading something all day, and then it works out completely fine.

For Brad, it was a trip to the doctor. He was terrified all morning about the pain involved. By the time he gets there, he wants to be anywhere else. But, somehow, he did not feel a thing.

Young Aaron from Newark put off going to the principal's office because he thought he would be suspended. Finally, he bit the bullet and only got detention for one afternoon.

Chris had had four bad Januarys in a row. One year, he got a letter saying that he owed $900 to PG&E. He put off going down to the office to the absolute last minute. When he sits down to face the man, the guy turns around and says, "How long have you been sober?" Chris answers twenty-seven days, and the guy erased the bill and let him go.

Lisa in Fremont had to have a Green Card interview at the scary INS. She was absolutely terrified, and had to fly to New York to go to the interview. When she and her husband get to the office, everyone has a lawyer with them. This amps up her fear. They get called in by a cranky agent, and her husband completely charms him over sports. After all their fear, it goes completely fine.

Ted in Novato was on a plane when the pilot yelled over the intercom for the flight attendants to get to their seats for turbulence. He became terrified and convinced the plane would crash. After a few minutes and almost wetting himself, everything was completely fine.

Reannan in San Jose got a letter saying that her insurance company had overpaid her by $1000. They set up a payment plan with her after she called, and she forgot about it completely. When she finally remembered, they told her that had just written it off.

Liza in SF wraps us up with a great story. Her friend is a news anchor and had taken some liberties with her deductions. One day she gets an audit notice and has to go into the office. When she finally goes in, they just wanted an autographed picture of her. That is insane.

So with that, I apologize to my mother, have a good night.