Monday, March 26th
Hey Everyone! Well, I think we have the computer fixed, so I will be attempting to blog tonight. Sorry for the lack of posts last week and all of the errors.
7pm: Brad starts off with reason #49 of why he hates all people. They go to Costco (these stories always start in Costco) and he got irritated because everyone was leaving their carts in the middle of aisles. Chris' theory is that the more illegal the alien, the more in the middle of the aisle they leave the cart. Brad was having a pretty bad day anyway and T got herself kicked out of the store for bringing in a dog. So, he and his daughter go to get some pizza, and Brad drops his phone, which rolls under the soda machine. He had to lie down on that sticky floor and reach into that dark, gooey mess of crusty syrup to get it.
Then, Brad makes the mistake of trying to get gas there. Of course the line is insanely long and there is someone who has no concept of quickly using a credit card. Walking back to the food court, he steps on a bunch of cherry tomatoes, slips and falls. Poor Brad, what a terrible day.
Ok so there is yet again more news about Anna Nicole Smith's autopsy. There were nine drugs in her system, implying that her body was purely pharmaceutical. They go through the report, and stop on one statement that really sticks out. On her orifices, Dr. Perper reports " the anus is unremarkable." Of course, the guys go through far too many options for how they could have described this particularly sensitive piece of her anatomy. Of course, they also would like to know, what is exactly a "remarkable anus?"
There were two big Season Finales last night, "Rome" and "Battlestar Galactica." Chris is shocked that "Rome" was the Series Finale and not just the Season Finale. He is devastated as Dan informs him that, like "Deadwood," they decided to cancel the series because of enormously high production expenses. Chris decides that he thinks the cause for the show should not be a blood drive or the homeless, but to get "Rome" back on the air.
The guys play the "Kenya" song again after an angry email from Bill. I actually woke up this morning singing this song. Chris tries to extract some sympathy for having the "Good Times" theme in his head. He only has the line, "Temporary layoffs, easy credit ripoffs, Good Times." I have no sympathy for you Chris, you and Brad deserve the most severe cerebro-redundegram torture possible.
8pm: Chris and Brad bring up a new subject, "Does your partner think you're an idiot?" Brad is starting to believe that his wife thinks this is the case. He was sleeping in the living room and was making up his sleeping area. She checks on him, and tells him to make sure he "does not roll into the fireplace and burn to death." He is insulted by the fact that he would not already know not to roll into the fireplace. He goes through all that would have to happen for him to do this, and it would take quite a bit of effort while sleeping.
For Chris, he has a lot of power tools that has a pull cord. Last weekend, he pulled four of them out of the spool, although he has had them forever. He can fix a lot of things, but can only restring a pull chord about 80% because he does not have the patience to do it correctly. When he does this is the only time Ace speaks to him like a five year old. He swears she is this close to patting his head, giving him as much time as he wants to fix it.
The guys need a city to pick on in the Bay Area. They have always had one and feel somewhat lost without it. I argue that it should be Milpitas for the fact that it smells of sewage and dirty bay water and has the most stressful, but price-efficient mall in the Bay Area. This leads us to a whole discussion of discount store shopping. Frank in Fremont thinks the Great Mall is awesome because of hot, Asian girls and a Dave and Busters where you can slam drinks before you start shopping.
I have to make it clear what I think of the Great Mall. I do think you can get some good deals there, however, it almost may be more worth going to see the mayhem. The Great Mall is not filled with groups of stuck-up teens walking around with Jamba Juice or frappucinos. Instead, there are couples who have had children too young, working dead-end jobs with a soulless, "my life has no meaning" look in the eyes. You will probably see stretch pants, fat asses, and children with snot across their cheeks. Furthermore, if you are looking for organization than the Great Mall is not the place to go. These stores make Ross look like the Macy's in Union Square.
9pm: We continue with our attempt to find the red-headed stepchild of the Bay Area. John in Palo Alto agrees with me about Milpitas. He claims it is the end of the universe. On the other side of the spectrum, he says Menlo Park. The reason is because it is such an uppity area. I point out that Menlo Park does have a plethora of rug stores. I am not kidding when I say that in the 10 blocks of Menlo Park's downtown, there are about five overpriced, cheesy, suburban-crack rug stores.
Another John in Palo Alto says that it should be in fact, Palo Alto. The reason being that it is full of incredibly snooty people. Having lived in Palo Alto for a few months, I would have to agree with that assertion. First of all, they have the country club known as Stanford within their city limits.
Lisa in Livermore goes back to the white trash towns. She recommends Empire, near Modesto. Lisa grew up there and says it is backwards and seems more like Oklahoma than California. This is almost wrong, being that just about everyone in the town is related to her.
Scott in Corte Madera goes a little off topic with a suggestion for Brad. Brad gets tweaked when people do not acknowledge a hello from him. It drives him absolutely crazy. Scott thinks that when someone blows you off, you should say aggressively, "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you."
We also get calls for Modesto, Manteca, Goshen and Oroville. We are spread all over the map on this one, but unsurprisingly the calls turned to the Central Valley. It was really only a matter of time before the home of the tweakers was brought up in this category. What is it about yellow-toothed, underweight, scraggly-haired yokels that invokes so much disdain?
San Carlos is thrown in the mix for being completely uninteresting. Emeryville is mentioned I assume solely for the hell that is the Ikea and all of the suburban strip mall shopping that has gone along with it. Let's get really crazy and have a California Pizza Kitchen AND a Barnes and Noble.
Other cities mentioned are Castro Valley, Vallejo, Fairfield, and Raymond. And of course, it was only a matter of time before the city of Berkeley reared it's dreadlocked, patchouli-smelling head. The guys are concerned that Berkeley may be a little too cliche, as it is mocked relentlessly throughout the country. Tracy emailed some further evidence for Berkeley, sending in pictures of the ever-terrifying "How Berkeley Can You Be" parade. What would the parade be without a fiftysomething naked man?
10pm: Chris in SF calls in to shed some light on Anna Nicole's anus. He performs autopsies and informs us that any body part can in fact be deemed "unremarkable." Chris and Brad, true to their nature, ask him about what is inserted in the unspoken orifice during preparation for burial. The discussion of this only further cements Chris' wishes to be cremated.
It is time to play Mental Speedbump for tickets to see Ron White at The Warfield on Friday, May 18th. If you don't win and would like to go, you can purchase tickets at Live Nation. Laura in Concord wins the first pair by attrition. After about thirty seconds, Brad has had enough and gives her tickets just to make her stop.
Meredith in Mountain View calls in for the second pair, but is extremely picky when it comes to topics. They keep letting her play, but I think no matter what, two topics is enough. Eventually, they are fed up as well and put her on infinite hold. I think it's about damn time. Her tickets go to Mike in Oakland who puts in a solid effort with his attempt.
John in San Jose has another suggestion for Brad when he is ignored on the street. His comeback has a military air to it, being "Carry on" or "as you were."
I found a list for them of "The Thirty Strangest Deaths in History" from Neatorama.com.
I like "Death by Beard." "Austrian Hans Steininger was famous for having the world’s longest beard (it was 4.5 feet or nearly 1.4 m long) and for dying because of it.One day in 1567, there was a fire in town and in his haste Hans forgot to roll up his beard. He accidentally stepped on his beard, lost balance, stumbled, broke his neck and died!" All he had to do was give it a little trim.
Jack Daniel of the delicious Tennessee Whiskey is on the list for "Death from Stubbing One's Toe." He decided "to come in to work early one morning in 1911. He wanted to open his safe but couldn’t remember the combination. In anger, Daniel kicked the safe and injured his toe, which later developed an infection that killed him!"
There are a lot of other nutty stories on this list, so I would suggest checking it out. If not for the story, just for the great old-timey facial hair.
With that, I apologize to my mother, have a good night.
7pm: Brad starts off with reason #49 of why he hates all people. They go to Costco (these stories always start in Costco) and he got irritated because everyone was leaving their carts in the middle of aisles. Chris' theory is that the more illegal the alien, the more in the middle of the aisle they leave the cart. Brad was having a pretty bad day anyway and T got herself kicked out of the store for bringing in a dog. So, he and his daughter go to get some pizza, and Brad drops his phone, which rolls under the soda machine. He had to lie down on that sticky floor and reach into that dark, gooey mess of crusty syrup to get it.
Then, Brad makes the mistake of trying to get gas there. Of course the line is insanely long and there is someone who has no concept of quickly using a credit card. Walking back to the food court, he steps on a bunch of cherry tomatoes, slips and falls. Poor Brad, what a terrible day.
Ok so there is yet again more news about Anna Nicole Smith's autopsy. There were nine drugs in her system, implying that her body was purely pharmaceutical. They go through the report, and stop on one statement that really sticks out. On her orifices, Dr. Perper reports " the anus is unremarkable." Of course, the guys go through far too many options for how they could have described this particularly sensitive piece of her anatomy. Of course, they also would like to know, what is exactly a "remarkable anus?"
There were two big Season Finales last night, "Rome" and "Battlestar Galactica." Chris is shocked that "Rome" was the Series Finale and not just the Season Finale. He is devastated as Dan informs him that, like "Deadwood," they decided to cancel the series because of enormously high production expenses. Chris decides that he thinks the cause for the show should not be a blood drive or the homeless, but to get "Rome" back on the air.
The guys play the "Kenya" song again after an angry email from Bill. I actually woke up this morning singing this song. Chris tries to extract some sympathy for having the "Good Times" theme in his head. He only has the line, "Temporary layoffs, easy credit ripoffs, Good Times." I have no sympathy for you Chris, you and Brad deserve the most severe cerebro-redundegram torture possible.
8pm: Chris and Brad bring up a new subject, "Does your partner think you're an idiot?" Brad is starting to believe that his wife thinks this is the case. He was sleeping in the living room and was making up his sleeping area. She checks on him, and tells him to make sure he "does not roll into the fireplace and burn to death." He is insulted by the fact that he would not already know not to roll into the fireplace. He goes through all that would have to happen for him to do this, and it would take quite a bit of effort while sleeping.
For Chris, he has a lot of power tools that has a pull cord. Last weekend, he pulled four of them out of the spool, although he has had them forever. He can fix a lot of things, but can only restring a pull chord about 80% because he does not have the patience to do it correctly. When he does this is the only time Ace speaks to him like a five year old. He swears she is this close to patting his head, giving him as much time as he wants to fix it.
The guys need a city to pick on in the Bay Area. They have always had one and feel somewhat lost without it. I argue that it should be Milpitas for the fact that it smells of sewage and dirty bay water and has the most stressful, but price-efficient mall in the Bay Area. This leads us to a whole discussion of discount store shopping. Frank in Fremont thinks the Great Mall is awesome because of hot, Asian girls and a Dave and Busters where you can slam drinks before you start shopping.
I have to make it clear what I think of the Great Mall. I do think you can get some good deals there, however, it almost may be more worth going to see the mayhem. The Great Mall is not filled with groups of stuck-up teens walking around with Jamba Juice or frappucinos. Instead, there are couples who have had children too young, working dead-end jobs with a soulless, "my life has no meaning" look in the eyes. You will probably see stretch pants, fat asses, and children with snot across their cheeks. Furthermore, if you are looking for organization than the Great Mall is not the place to go. These stores make Ross look like the Macy's in Union Square.
9pm: We continue with our attempt to find the red-headed stepchild of the Bay Area. John in Palo Alto agrees with me about Milpitas. He claims it is the end of the universe. On the other side of the spectrum, he says Menlo Park. The reason is because it is such an uppity area. I point out that Menlo Park does have a plethora of rug stores. I am not kidding when I say that in the 10 blocks of Menlo Park's downtown, there are about five overpriced, cheesy, suburban-crack rug stores.
Another John in Palo Alto says that it should be in fact, Palo Alto. The reason being that it is full of incredibly snooty people. Having lived in Palo Alto for a few months, I would have to agree with that assertion. First of all, they have the country club known as Stanford within their city limits.
Lisa in Livermore goes back to the white trash towns. She recommends Empire, near Modesto. Lisa grew up there and says it is backwards and seems more like Oklahoma than California. This is almost wrong, being that just about everyone in the town is related to her.
Scott in Corte Madera goes a little off topic with a suggestion for Brad. Brad gets tweaked when people do not acknowledge a hello from him. It drives him absolutely crazy. Scott thinks that when someone blows you off, you should say aggressively, "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you."
We also get calls for Modesto, Manteca, Goshen and Oroville. We are spread all over the map on this one, but unsurprisingly the calls turned to the Central Valley. It was really only a matter of time before the home of the tweakers was brought up in this category. What is it about yellow-toothed, underweight, scraggly-haired yokels that invokes so much disdain?
San Carlos is thrown in the mix for being completely uninteresting. Emeryville is mentioned I assume solely for the hell that is the Ikea and all of the suburban strip mall shopping that has gone along with it. Let's get really crazy and have a California Pizza Kitchen AND a Barnes and Noble.
Other cities mentioned are Castro Valley, Vallejo, Fairfield, and Raymond. And of course, it was only a matter of time before the city of Berkeley reared it's dreadlocked, patchouli-smelling head. The guys are concerned that Berkeley may be a little too cliche, as it is mocked relentlessly throughout the country. Tracy emailed some further evidence for Berkeley, sending in pictures of the ever-terrifying "How Berkeley Can You Be" parade. What would the parade be without a fiftysomething naked man?
10pm: Chris in SF calls in to shed some light on Anna Nicole's anus. He performs autopsies and informs us that any body part can in fact be deemed "unremarkable." Chris and Brad, true to their nature, ask him about what is inserted in the unspoken orifice during preparation for burial. The discussion of this only further cements Chris' wishes to be cremated.
It is time to play Mental Speedbump for tickets to see Ron White at The Warfield on Friday, May 18th. If you don't win and would like to go, you can purchase tickets at Live Nation. Laura in Concord wins the first pair by attrition. After about thirty seconds, Brad has had enough and gives her tickets just to make her stop.
Meredith in Mountain View calls in for the second pair, but is extremely picky when it comes to topics. They keep letting her play, but I think no matter what, two topics is enough. Eventually, they are fed up as well and put her on infinite hold. I think it's about damn time. Her tickets go to Mike in Oakland who puts in a solid effort with his attempt.
John in San Jose has another suggestion for Brad when he is ignored on the street. His comeback has a military air to it, being "Carry on" or "as you were."
I found a list for them of "The Thirty Strangest Deaths in History" from Neatorama.com.
I like "Death by Beard." "Austrian Hans Steininger was famous for having the world’s longest beard (it was 4.5 feet or nearly 1.4 m long) and for dying because of it.One day in 1567, there was a fire in town and in his haste Hans forgot to roll up his beard. He accidentally stepped on his beard, lost balance, stumbled, broke his neck and died!" All he had to do was give it a little trim.
Jack Daniel of the delicious Tennessee Whiskey is on the list for "Death from Stubbing One's Toe." He decided "to come in to work early one morning in 1911. He wanted to open his safe but couldn’t remember the combination. In anger, Daniel kicked the safe and injured his toe, which later developed an infection that killed him!"
There are a lot of other nutty stories on this list, so I would suggest checking it out. If not for the story, just for the great old-timey facial hair.
With that, I apologize to my mother, have a good night.
posted by The Gray Area at 10:54 PM
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