Friday, November 17

Hey everyone. Dan and I are going to have a heated day today. My Terps are playing Dan's Spartans tonight in the finals of the Coaches vs. Cancer tournament. We have decided to keep the tv off so we can pay some attention to the show.

7pm: The guys start off with the reclassification of homosexuality by the Pentagon. It is no longer a mental disorder, but is now put in with bedwetting.
It's times like these that I am so proud of our government.

They have changed the Banana Republic sign. This is the best one that we have seen. The girl is actually cute, although most of her face is hidden. This is much better than the goobery guy up there before, and certainly better than the group of Banana Republic robot models.

Chris in San Jose says that guys used to pretend to be gay to get out of the Army all the time. He also confirms that non-commissioned soldiers will be discharged with certain wealth or by winning the lottery.

We get a call from Marine Corp recruiter, Gunnery Sgt. Thompson. Chris goads him a little, I think he feels safer here in the studio. They do not kick you out for this, but they do recommend discharge. The issue is that they question the retainment of soldiers with significant assets. This is an important issue as they invest so much money into each recruit.

The whole time they try and get the recruiter to yell as they do in the Corp. I think they wanted a little scene from "Full Metal Jacket." Sadly, Gunnery Sgt. Thompson is pretty reserved with us. Probably because he used his name. Nice try guys.

Model, Ana Carolina Reston died as a result of anorexia. She is certainly not the first model to fall victim to eating disorders, and probably will not be the last.

The guys have an interesting take on this and decide to do a different kind of Public Service Announcement. We are always trying to help here on The Gray Area. The answer to anorexia is of course, bulimia.

What I didn't realize, is that they were going to use me as an example of the benefits of bulimia. I always thought I was in pretty good shape, but now, I just don't know. I'm so confused.

8pm: We revisit the sea lion story from yesterday. If you didn't listen to the show, a rogue sea lion has been biting swimmers in Aquatic Park Lagoon, here in the city. We have been trying to come up with a name for this sea lion.

We also have a song for the sea lion: "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp." Here are tonight's suggestions:
- Swim Shady
- Seal with a Kiss (he dropped in shame for the weakness of this name)
- Benito Mussealini
- Sigmund the Sea Muncher (I'm too young for this)

We mentioned this yesterday, but the Golden Gate Bridge is seeking sponsorship in order to fix some financial woes. Can you imagine the Google Golden Gate Bridge? How disturbing would that be?

Is there another solution? Chris suggests a dollar toll for pedestrians and cyclists. Charles in Oakland thinks the corporations should sponsor the suicides. Another caller (I forgot his name), says that the corporate sponsors should get free bridge passage on all their shipping.

So, Maryland won the battle of the studio. I am happy we won, but I have to say that it was pretty ugly. Either way, I love Gary Williams. GO TERPS!!!!

Ok, the game is over, so now my head will finally be back in the show. So, other suggestions:
- license the rights to use the bridge in commercials
- increase the toll and give deal to have ad at the toll booth
- sell safe passage to drug cartels (I like this idea)
- doing a cross promotion with the lottery
- suicide success story trading cards

Mike in San Jose calls to say that he doesn't care what we do, as long as the toll is lower. He also admits that he had asked me out before, but I shot him down. But, after hearing Jenilee, he know wants to know about her. You're a fickle man, Mike.

9pm: Our friend, Kim in Vallejo says that she wants to see the books. She is tired of the government making mistakes, and asking us to pay for it. That's not good enough. I like Kim.

Derrick from Pacifica thinks it should be named Prozac Bridge. This would make it money and send a message to the jumpers.

This also leads us to all the sponsorship at sports stadiums. All the names are some corporation. And every outfield has ads plastered all over it. This reminds me of one of the only examples of these to really anger me. At Fedex Field (where my Redskins play), there are ads all over the place for Eddie the NRA Eagle. Because, of course, little kids really need to be recruited by the NRA.

Crazy Andy from Concord is thinking there for be Golden Gate cigarettes. A picture of the bridge could be on the pack. The slogan could be: a slower way to die. Dan thinks it should be: "Have a Golden Gate on your way to the pearly gates."

In other sponsorship news, KFC has a logo that is the second thing you can see from space. It is the only logo where you can do that. It is in Nevada near Area 51, and is done with tiles. They say they did it to be visible from space, but Chris points out that it is clearly for planes.

They start talking about the coleslaw and mashed potatoes at KFC. They say the coleslaw is good but wrong, and the mashed potatoes are just terrible. KFC is just a place full of misery. This brings me back to my vehement argument that Popeyes is soooo much better. Once again, they say that they would go to Popeyes, but they are always in the hood.

Jeff from Livermore calls to say that there is a safe Popeyes in Livermore and that there should be a suicide ride on the bridge. Of course, it would employ bungee jumping.

10pm: All I can think about is Popeyes, this is a problem.

Brad finally moved into his actual apartment earlier this week. He has some audio, and I have to say, he sounds incredibly out of breath the entire time. By the way he is carrying on, the movers must have been so freaked out. He claims they were paying no attention to him, that they were in their own personal hell.

Brian James Hathaway from Wisconsin, is under arrest for having sex with a dead deer. He found the deer in a ditch. He also had previously been arrested for killing a horse, in order to have sex with it. What? Don't you ever get turned on by roadkill?

The best part of this, his defense attorney claims that the law does not prohibit sex with carcasses. In his argument, he quotes Billy Crystal in "The Princess Bride," saying, "There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead."

Right as Dan points this out to me, Brad says, "how did he get caught?" Can you imagine a family seeing this driving down the highway? How do you explain that to your kids?

They make a new promise to one another. If one of them ever commits a crime against nature, the other will influence the journalist to include, "as horrified children stand by..."

Reannan from Palo Alto calls in about a heart breaking moment in her life. She is training to be a pastry chef, and had completed her Christmas chocolate sculpture for class. When bringing it in for class, she drops it in front of everyone. Her tone is the most embarrassing thing you've ever done at school.

Brad's Penile Euphemism: a turkey sticking his head through a bush. Chris totally trashes it, but Brad is well able to defend it.

There is now a quadruple bypass burger. Here is an clip of the story from ABC:
"The burger at the Heart Attack Grill restaurant is stacked with four beef patties, cheese, onions, tomatoes and fried bacon and weighs in at 8,000 calories - more than three times what the human body needs in one day."

The guys have also been talking about the McRib sandwich from McDonald's. I don't think I have ever had one, but Brad has a love affair with this, just like Homer Simpson. Kevin from Livermore, tells us that this elusive sandwich is always on the menu in Germany.

By the way, the Heart Attack Grill has a theme song. They have both female and male lead blues versions. Eh. This is pretty damn weak. But it tells us that, "if you have a triple, you must be King Kong."

And with visions of burgers and Popeyes dancing in my head, I say Goodnight and apologize to my mother.