Monday, December 11

Hey everyone. Hope you had a good weekend, I did. I spent a lot of it perfecting my skills on Tiger Woods Golf. Oh yeah, you wish you were as good at pretend golf as I am.

7pm: We actually started the show at exactly 7pm tonight. Wow, I don't know if that has ever happened. The guys are a little overwhelmed by Dan's prowess. We also have a fake "I'm sorry" competition. This is a close one. I don't know who the winner is, but it hurts Chris that he always laughs first.

Brad finally stole a pen he has been eyeing for quite a while. It is a lovely writing utensil. But, the thing is, it's really thick. Chris realizes that this is because the pen industry is realizing that we have become so lazy, that we are slowly going to mutate into creatures with flippers. I never knew that Bic and Papermate had that much insight.


You have probably heard about Nicole Richie. She was arrested last night for a DUI, because she was driving the wrong direction. Yes, the wrong direction. She was also listed as being 5'1" and 85 lbs. Holy crap. And hasn't she gained weight recently? She was also high on weed and Vicoden. Doesn't her mug shot (from The Smoking Gun) look funny. She's like trying to give the cop a look like, but aren't I sexy?

The guys play the 911 call from a passing driver. Of course, they do, the "we'll send someone out there" thing. It feels so incredibly futile when you hear that. I got that when I saw a semi swerving across a freeway once. It was so satisfying. Chris says that when his girlfriend was hit by a train maintenance vehicle on Friday, they wouldn't send a cop to the scene. What the hell?

We also have a discussion about the different Johnnie Walkers. A lot of people who care far too much about whiskey call in about the colors. Dude, it's just whiskey, calm down. This also leads to throwing a cocky caller into the Pit of Mediocrity. If you are going to claim that everyone else is wrong, you'd better bring your A-game.

Finally, after all this Johnnie Walker stuff, the guys play their exclusive version of the 911 call. This is something only found on The Gray Area. Wow, who knew we were so important. It is actually Nicole herself calling in. She thinks that everyone is driving the wrong way on the phone.

8pm: Chris reminds us that tomorrow is gravy donut night. I have a plan to get away from eating it. I am going to hide. If they can't see me, they can't make me eat it. Do you think that will work?? This is, of course, for the floor tickets to Guns N' Roses show. We open up the 3 remaining spots, and only one person calls. Come on you cowards.

Ok, so now it is time for the Worst Christmas Song Ever competition. It is a new week, so we have three brand new competitors. Winner of Week 1 is Fred McKinnon's "Oh, Holy Night." Winner of Week 2 is Insane Clown Posse with "Santa is a Fat Bitch."

Contestant #1: Chris actually really likes this guy, but with this offering, he really screwed up. Pat Godwin with "Santa, Welcome to the Modern World." Wow, this is pretty damn sappy and a little too concerned about world issues. It's ridiculous, but I like it because he tells Santa to "lay off the pipe."

Contestant #2: "Hark, Now Harold's Going to Swing" from The Sports Fan's Christmas Carols album. Yes, this is a Christmas song about golf. Hmmm. This guy is really nasal and shouldn't ever sing. Ever.

Contestant #3: This one makes me sad, I really like James Brown. But, the guys claim that this song sucks. It is called, "Santa Claus Goes Straight to the Ghetto." It's not funky or soulful. How incredibly sad. Yeah, they're kinda right, this song is weak for James Brown. I don't know if I hate it, but I am disappointed.

I watched a dvd a while ago about James Brown. It was the most pathetic thing I have ever seen. It was clearly made while he was high out of his mind. The thing is, the whole movie, he's in the back of a limo talking. But, you can't understand a single word he says. I'm not kidding. It's really, really terrible. Chris doubts that it is that bad, so I'm going to find it, and make him watch it.

When we do the voting, it is pretty close. All are bad in their own, special way. It ends up being decided by only one vote, but the winner is Pat Godwin's "Santa, Welcome to the Modern World."

9pm: The guys give me props for something I take great pride in. I claim that I am the fastest female in the restroom. I can beat most guys. Seriously, why do so many women take so damn long. It's just ridiculous. Chris and Brad say that this is a fault in women, that leads to great consequences. In all that time, guys get impatient and think of all the things they don't like about their women.

Brad had a pretty traumatizing experience earlier. He had a remote that was located at a store. This store happened to be located in the heart of the Tenderloin. Brad is new to the city, and has never been to this charming area of San Francisco.

Not knowing where this was located, he even brought his wife and daughter along. They get there over an hour early. As he is driving, he starts to realize the neighborhood he is in. He sends away his family, because he knows they don't belong there. Of course, immediately, the vagrants approach him for cigarettes. He is uncomfortable saying no, so he complies. Once he gives one, he has now become a target.

Brad finally starts his remote. Fortunately, he is somewhat inside the store. He is in a position to observe all the people walking by. And, for all of us who have been to 6th and Market, we know what that entails. In the midst of this, he sees his wife and daughter. She tells him the paid a bum 3 cigarettes and some change to watch the car. Wow, that is a bad call.

Brad insists that he is going to take them out of there. He leaves the remote, and walks them to the hole of a parking lot. They find their guardian sitting on the hood, smoking crack. The guy runs off, and T and Paxy go on their way.

The lesson: Brad has no street presence. He looks like a patsy.

Caleb from Napa tells us about the time that he had to shoot a movie in a crackhouse in Oakland. He tells us the windows are brown and the floor of the bathroom is squishy. Their equipment was draining the power, which leads to a angry tirade from a resident. This man threatens to shoot them in the face. Of course, the power went out again, and Caleb takes off running. He gets a lot of crap for this, but who can really blame him?

Michael from San Jose tells us about Cowboy Rodeo Poker. This is when you set up a card table in the middle of the ring at a rodeo. You are supposed to sit at the table while a bull is running free throughout. He had claimed that he knew what he was doing, and realizes soon after, that this is a pretty terrible idea. Of course, after the second pass of the bull, he takes off and gets a lot of razzing for it.

Jager in Oakland tells us a ridiculous story about his parents. They were walking through the Tenderloin in the '70's and a crazy homeless man approaches them. As the man reaches into his overcoat in a menacing manner, his dad does the unthinkable. He hides behind his wife in fear. Damn.

10pm: Chris grew up in New York and remembers the exact moment where he lost his "cred." He was going to the Connecticut School of Broadcasting. He thinks he's a bad ass, because he thinks he's tough, and can party pretty hard. He drives into the city to take his friend to get drugs. They end up going to Harlem, and he realizes where he is going. He's been to Harlem, but not to these side streets. When he gets there, they go up to the third floor of a crack house. His friend is welcomed by the dealers there, and ties up his arm. They are there to do heroin, and Chris had no idea that was the deal. Thankfully, the car is there when they come downstairs and after trying a couple times, he is able to start the car and get the hell out of there.

This reminds me of my bodega story. If you have never been to a bodega, it is a store that masks sales of drugs. I went to a show at a club in D.C. I was hungry so I ran across the street to grab a snack in the "Food Store." Yes, that was really the name of the store. I walk in looking for anything, and find 2 crackheads sitting at the counter. They are high as hell, shaking and all. I look around, and realize in this whole store, there are two bags of chips. Hello children, can you say crack den?

We get a few more calls about loss of street credit. A bunch of these are good, but one is from a pranker. He makes up a pretty good story, but he commits some fatal flaws. He says he is 17, and tells us he rented a car. Hmmm. Where can you rent a car at 17?? He also changes his story quite a bit from what he told me on the phone. It's cool though, because I had a great time busting him on the air. Props to the kid though, he stayed on the phone, even though he knew he got completely busted.

The guys go over a list of 33 Names of Things You Never Knew Had Names. I am really happy the guys like this. I thought it was interesting, but I'm a geek and like to learn words. Fortunately, I now learn that I am not the only nerd in the room.

They end the show talking about Superman. I feel like such a girl, I have no idea what they are talking about at all. Something about how Crypton doesn't make sense if Superman can't be around cryptonite. Ok cool.